| i sit here clutching useless lists and keys for doors that don't exist... |
[03 May 2004|02:11pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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thrice - stare at the sun |
] |
i saw 21 grams.
brilliant, absolutely brilliant...
reminded me so much of requiem for a dream and memento.
but the message behind it was really strong, or at least what the message was to me.
the tagline for the movie is:
They say that at the exact time of death we lose 21 grams of bodily weight. The weight of a stack of nickels. The weight of a chocolate bar. The weight of a hummingbird. But how many lives do we live? How many times do we die? How much can fit into 21 grams? They say we all lose 21 grams at the exact moment of our death... Who will be next?
the movie doesnt tie in perfect with this tagline, but in looking at the tagline itself, you can generate some interesting debate. that 21 grams we lose, what does it account for?
the soul perhaps?
in which case, what is the soul?
what makes a soul?
where does the soul go?
post some opinions, but i'll leave you with some more interesting taglines:
How much does life weigh?
How much does love weigh?
How much does guilt weigh?
How much does revenge weigh?
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| im pouring some whiskey, im going to get drunk... |
[02 May 2004|06:08pm] |
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mood |
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you dont even want to know... |
] |
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music |
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bright eyes - its cool, we can still be friends |
] |
i came a revelation today, as i sat there, listening to my "best friend" reveal more lies she told me. yes, its still going on, because she cant be honest. i lost count of how many times shes said "i swear thats all that happened.."
i am the car.
my life is the car.
my existence is the car.
and i am going to crash and burn.
if i have ever touched you in anyway.
if you have ever loved me.
ever cared about me.
then i need you now. let me know you care..
talk to me on msn, call me, give me a hug at school.
my eyes are open.
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| i'm a molotov cocktail... |
[02 May 2004|12:49pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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against me! - baby im an anarchist |
] |
Through the best of times,
Through the worst of times,
Through Nixon and through Bush,
Do you remember '36?
We went our seperate ways.
You fought for Stalin.
I fought for freedom.
You believe in authority.
I believe in myself.
I'm a molotov cocktail.
You're Dom Perignon.
Baby, what's that confused look in your eyes?
What I'm trying to say is that
I burn down buildings
While you sit on a shelf inside of them.
You call the cops
On the looters and piethrowers.
They call it class war,
I call it co-conspirators.
'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist,
You're a spineless liberal.
We marched together for the eight-hour day
And held hands in the streets of Seattle,
But when it came time to throw bricks
Through that Starbucks window,
You left me all alone.
You watched in awe at the red,
White, and blue on the fourth of july.
While those fireworks were exploding,
I was burning that fucker
And stringing my black flag high,
Eating the peanuts
That the parties have tossed you
In the back seat of your father's new Ford.
You believe in the ballot,
Believe in reform.
You have faith in the elephant and jackass,
And to you, solidarity's a four-letter word.
We're all hypocrites,
But you're a patriot.
You thought I was only joking
When I screamed "Kill Whitey!"
At the top of my lungs
At the cops in their cars
And the men in their suits.
No, I won't take your hand
And marry the State.
'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist,
You're a spineless liberal.
We marched together for the eight-hour day
And held hands in the streets of Seattle,
But when it came time to throw bricks
Through that Starbucks window,
You left me all alone.
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| if my mind's the weapon, my hearts the extra clip... |
[02 May 2004|11:48am] |
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mood |
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touched |
] |
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music |
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the movielife - jamestown |
] |
ashley is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
A - Age: Too old.
B - Band: Too many to say, Bright Eyes for now.
C - Choice Of Meat: None, vegetarian.
D - Dream Date: Conor Oberst/Edward Norton/Ameilia Earheart.
E - Excites You: Sweat and whips.
F - Favorite Food: Pasta/Samosas/Any other Indian foods.
G - Greatest Gift: Life from my parents.
H - Happiest Day Of Your Life: Hard to say, but most recently, when I fell asleep next to Ashley.
I - Internal Conflicts: Too many to mention.
J - Jealous: Not really, more angry and pissed off than jealous.
K - Kool Aid: Ashleys my Kool Aid ;).
L - Love: In it, I think...
M - Most Valuable Thing You Own: My mind.
N - Name: Mike.
O - Outfit: Classy dress shirts, jeans, and cowboy boots or sneakers.
P - Pizza Topping: Green peppers, chesse, onions, mushrooms.
Q - Question I Want To Ask: Are we really happy with who we are right now?
R - Roots: Deep below the earth.
S - Sport To Watch: Porn.
T - TV Show: Don't really watch TV anymore, but, Law and Order.
V - View From The Window: Rain.
W - Weather: Rainy.
Y - Yesterday's Best Meal: Veggie Sub from Subway.
Z - Zodiac sign: Virgo.
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| shaking, like a dog shitting razorblades... |
[01 May 2004|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
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music |
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alkaline trio - radio |
] |
R.I.P. Masonic Lodge
its done.. after years of poseur activity, what i have to realize as inevitable has happened. the lodge has been killed. i'm sorry to say it, but in a way, it's not so bad. i have always had faith in the mississauga underground scene, but as of recently, it seems that no matter what, these people will surface and dominate the scene.
what people you ask?
the scenesters. poseurs have always been there, and for the most part, they dont bother anyone. they just sit in the corner at shows, if they even go at all. the scenesters however, who either:
a) go to masonic every weekend, no matter whos playing
or
b) focus in on one band who seem well liked, and go to every single one of their shows, but only at the venue closest to them (god forbid they travel 15 minutes to an hour to see their "favourite" band)
now i do understand that everyone has the right to be there, but it just pisses me off to see these 12 - 15 year old kids walking in there like they own the place, and fucking shit up. what also pisses me off is that whenever something gets popular, EVERYONE jumps on the bandwagon.
take ill scarlett for example. they play good music, and are awesome guys. but because of this style, they attract these kids who are only really into them for the image.
well FUCK THAT.
what makes the underground unique and special is the idea of counter-culture. that we kids have somewhere to go to escape the harsh existence out of the scene. where we can just listen to honest music by honest musicians who dont care about money or publicity. but what these scenester do is fuck it up. the come there and corrupt the scene with their false ideals. ideals that include "punk" as an image, rather than a lifestyle or mindset.
well FUCK THAT.
fuck these bandwagon kids. people in our school who only started listening to alexisonfire or boys night out because their friends told them it was cool, or they saw their video on MUCH Music. i've been with these bands for years now, when these kids wouldnt have given them the time of day.
well FUCK THAT.
now for the masonic. people take it for granted. the masonic is so important to us because its a place that is nearby and holds some amazing underground talent. but when kids come and fight, litter, loiter in the streets, and basically act like their 10 years old, it gives the place a bad image. we could lose this venue at anytime, and then where would we go? arrow hall? lol...
just go there to have fun, but at the same time, be considerate of other people. also keep in mind that oakville has lost both the pine room and the Y due to similar shit.
whatever.
im off to burlington.
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| he became famous on that day in november... |
[01 May 2004|11:56am] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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the postal service - sleeping in |
] |
so its official, despite what anyone says, the postal service is amazing. so last night was interesting..
me and ashley went to the drive-in after all, even though i didnt really care for/watch the movie. it was so retarded, i dont even know what it was. it started with jesus, then some nazis, then this messed up looking monster, then aliens... blah. lol.
we rolled out of that biatch and went back to my house. but, didnt find much more privacy there. signs are every where. i dont believe in fate, but i am becoming more open to the idea. the world is too perfect in its natural design to be random, and signs appear everywhere. its who you are that determines if you interpret them as signs.. i think that there is a reason that i'm suppose to hold back, and in time, it will become clear.
anyways.. jose and peter should be here any minute.. were going to do my science homework then roll out and drop off a letter to stephanie (joses a big emo kid). after that were going to catch the ill scarlett show and chill with some people. so i'll update later.
take care
xoxo
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| objectify, the one thing that i wanted more than you.. |
[29 Apr 2004|06:17pm] |
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mood |
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 pessimistic |
] |
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music |
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the beautiful mistake - circular parade |
] |
so ive had a rough month.
who am i to bitch.
my mood is as inconsistant as the weather, and twice as bitter. for that i apologize. to anyone who has inserted their coin only to get nothing back.
anyways...
school sucks.
i decided that i am going to prom this year, and grad as well. meh, i might as well.. as they say, it is the only oppurtunity i have. as for prom, im doing it more for jess than myself (jess g by the way). should be.. um.. fun? hahah as for this wondergrad bullshit, fuck that.
i'll probably take u of t for next year, but stay at the mississauga campus. sean and lindsey are going there too, so at least i'll know someone there. sean even talked about an apartment, which would be cool. i cant bear the thought of leaving though.. thats probably my main motivation for wanting to goto university so close. robs leaving, liam too. he says he'll stay in touch, but somehow i doubt that. but thats me the big pessimist lol.
watched american beauty again. beautiful movie.. to anyone who has not seen it, get out of your seat, rent it, and watch it. so inspiring. i watched that one scene again and again. when rickys watching the videotape of the bag floating in the air. he says:
"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
anyways. waiting for ashley to call.
will she, i dont know. shes been acting wierd lately.
probably something i did wrong. it's always me. but i've known from the start that she was too good for me. so for the next little while i'll just play the part of the kid whos head over heels in love (which i am), and can't believe he actually got the girl of his dreams (which i can't); except for the fact that he knows he will probably end up hurt (which i will, or at least hope i will wont).
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| and words that were never spoke.. |
[29 Apr 2004|01:43pm] |
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mood |
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 silly |
] |
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music |
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the fullblast - why does banana get shotgun |
] |
i'm addicted to these zen parables. at first they may seem stupid and pointless, but all have a very strong and powerful message to convey about morals, virtues, and life.
a man was walking in the forest. he noticed a tiger following him, so he began to run, with the tiger following him. he reached a sudden drop off in the land, but a vine was hanging overhead. he grabbed ahold, and jumped off the embankment, far out of the tigers reach. however, the vine only went so far, and the man was stuck suspended over to forest floor. suddenly, another tiger appeared below him, and waited patiently to eat him.
to make the mans situation worse, two mice, one black and one white, appeared overhead. they started chewing away at the vine, slowly initiating the mans sure death. the man looked to his left and saw a ripe juicy strawberry. with one hand still grasping the vine, he reached out and plucked the strawberry with his other. he took a bite and said:
"this is the juiciest, tastiest strawberry i have ever eaten."
think about it.
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| im pouring my heart through these |
[27 Apr 2004|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
] |
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music |
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feeling left out - telephone wires |
] |
so upset.
lets all take off our masks for tonight, shall we?
thats all we are. masks.. products.. fucking bar codes.
well not tonight. im going to throw this down. in my mind im tearing apart evrey single one of you reading this and pissing on your mangled bodies. so i propose i toast.. before i down the quarter of a bottle of vodka i stole from my parents, lets do this. if we ever do anything. let it be this.
heres to you.
heres to all of you.
i hate you so fucking much.
i hope that every single one of you comes down with soemthing that they dont yet have a cure for.
yes im fucking bitter.
but this isn't about me.
this is about you.
the hypocrites.
the liars.
the people who will say whatever it fucking takes to get into some girls pants.
this is to alex from the turn it ups. the biggest, most pathetic fuckign asshole to walk this earth.
this is to every single guy who hurt ashley
this is to you who hurt me.
this is to the world... as shitty as it is.
i fucking hate you all.
i fucking hate myself.
jesus fucking christ.
i just want to ram my arm down every guys throat.. tear out his diaphragm.. or whatever it is that creates those beautiful words.. those strings of sounds forced together to convince whatever flavour of the week it is to suck off his shit.
heres what i propose:
a revolution.
a new order in which we just say what we mean. in which we make the pretense the past tense..
i say instead of "your so beautiful..", we make it "i want to take you downstairs, fuck the shit out of you, and then pretend like i never met you the next day.
instead of those classic words "i love you", we make it "ill go along with it until i drink too much at a party, and find my way into some bedroom with this guy i met 15 mintues ago. in which case i'll still insist that i do love you once you find out, but we both know i dont, and that given the chance i would do it again."
or how about, instead of "it's not you..", we make it "i've found someone else."
so sick of this.
and i know.. tomorrow morning i will wake up with a headache. and ill put that stupid little fucking smile on my stupid ugly fucking face and go to my stupid retarded fucking school and put up with the stupid ignorant fucking people then come home and talk to amazingly beautiful fucking girlfriend then fall alseep drunk hating my stupid worthless fucking self.
so goodnight one and all..
ill fall asleep tonight painting graves for all of you, and dream of how to fill them.
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| in a photo the size of a kiss, a kiss in the shape of a bullet... |
[27 Apr 2004|08:39am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
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music |
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glassjaw - siberian kiss |
] |
inspired by one of jess's posts...
i sat thinking about how the past is at the mercy of our mind, attitude, and emotions. the past is set in stone, theres no denying that, and events will always remain events.. even if we don't want them to, or can't admit them to ourselves. however, the feel of these events is easy to manipulate in our memory. this is the chorus from the anniversary's "emma discovery":
(great song by the way, download it)
"Sat on your roof young in eighty-two
How you remember is how it remains
Turn down the light so now I can die
We'll always remember how we remained"
how you remember is how it remains.. very true. looking at myself.. when ever i get into a fight with friends and we part our seperate ways, i let my anger and frustration cloud the experiences i had with that person. the good times seem to just disappear from history, and the bad times seem to be magnified.
just a thought...
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| running out of time before every careless word that you utter renders you utterly useless... |
[26 Apr 2004|03:35pm] |
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mood |
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giddy |
] |
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music |
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the juliana theory - if i told you this was killing me... |
] |
monday blahhhhh
two things before i get into this.
yeah the whole "friends only" idea fell through, but thats alright. and secondly, i know i am listening to the juliana theory, who are uber gay, but... meh. lol.
typical monday, nothing resulting from the events of my day put me in this good mood, it was all my doing. everyones been moping around for their own reasons, and i got sick of it, so i focused in on my motivation, ashley. we talked last night, and as i fell asleep on my bed... all i could smell was her. need i say more, shes the best thing that has ever happened to me.
mmm i know im a nerd.
but yesturday, something happened... that i can say was one of the most beautiful, happiest moments of my life. we were in my bed watching either aladdin or paulie, and we were cuddling. i fell asleep.. for how long i dont know. but when i opened my eyes.. lying on my side.. the only thing i saw was her eyes staring at me. waking up next to her is indescribable. it was then that every doubt i had was pushed far away... i knew that i loved her.
**show saturday!!! going to be a huge poseur/scenester/12 year old kid/blonde ditz fest, but whatever!!**
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| from the curve of your lips, hanging down beneath your eyes... |
[25 Apr 2004|12:34am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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something corporate - konstantine |
] |
here it is.
delayed. but whatever.
i dont know what you expect.
but here you go: to konstantine..
meaning jess, as we have come to the conclusion that someone is conceited enough to think i am referring to her, but she has in no way made a deeper impact in my life than you have.
I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But i'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
you slipped away from me. through my own faults and my own mistakes. as much as i would kill to blame it on the world, it was always me. and when you left, a piece of me was taken along with you...
wait.
it was borrowed by you. we shared our lives over the phone for well over a year, then i lost sight of you. the people that you knew, the people that influenced you, the people who made you into who you are today. and for that i am most sorry. because the jess i knew grew up, but she didnt grow old. and i would kill to meet these people, these people that gave you what i could never give you.
the people who shaped you.
who inspired you.
who got into your head.
and im not sorry for a thing that happened. because it happened for a reason. i can finally accept that. you were once a part of my dreams, and to an extent you still are. but i grew up too. i grew smarter, wiser, and ultimately more miserable. i slipped jess.. into the folds of your life. because thats all we really are. all we really have.. a timeline of our lives.
do you remember?
that one day, it may have been literacy testing day.. and rebecca came over with a few people, downstair. we were in your room. on your bed, and time melted away.. time is an illusion, but it has so much influence. so much power. i know..
i believe..
i tell myself..
that without time, we would have survived, as friends. but i've been drinking. and i dont really know why im doing this. i dont expect anything to change. i dont want change. all i want is smallest chance at a functioning friendship...
because you are still in some ways part of my big dreams.
because you were the first.
i was a virgin until i met you.
symbolically that is.
And you don't wanna be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
And you don't wanna look much closer
Cause your afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did
Because of me.
funny really.
we were bound by the past. in every possible way.
on my part anyways. because of who i am, and the mistakes that i had made. but looking back on it.. kb and melissa were a test. of strength and commitment. and while i thought that that was the problem, that it was all outside influence.. it wasnt. it was me. it was me who got involved with them... remember vanilla sky:
"consequences david..."
"i lost you the moment i got into that car..."
we are all bound by the past. and so we drown ourselves in the present. because of the illusion of control. the past is carved in stone, and always will be. but the present.... the present is a horizon of potential and possiblities. like i said.. i grew up, and i realized this. i realized that with us, i was so stuck on the past, that i missed out on both the present and the future.
and for that at least, i am sorry.
hope..
is there anything stronger than the promise of a brighter tomorrow, of a new day, of love?
once again, all me. always me. always. i lost myself. i lost touch of the potential between me and you. if i had just let go... let go of everything... and focused everything i had into what we had.. then maybe that hope would have still been there. so at the very least, i can say that i've learned a very valuble lesson; and i will not make the same mistake with ashley.
This is because I can spell confusion with a k
And I like it
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
what can i say?
jess. at some point i thought i could be that for you, could be the one. but i wasnt a star.. in any sense. im still not. i hate myself so much.. you dont understand.
i drink myself to sleep.
i am no ones star.
because i cant love myself.
because of what i did to you...
did to so many others.
i am such a shitty person. i hurt so many people... and i wish so fuckign much that i could take it back. that i could give you and all those other girls what i stole. but i cant. and i need closure. i really do...
so please..
i am so sorry.. not for what happened. but for how it impacted you. i wish you could forgive me, but thats just wishful thinking.
and what really does hurt me the most.. is how i confused how i felt for you with who i was. like i said, i am no ones star, even though i play the role very well.
You'll always be my Konstantine
the only way i want to end this post.
only way i want to leave you if we never speak another word.
i just want you to know that you'll always be my konstantine.
you started it.
you gave me the first taste of what life truely is.
the first taste of release.
and you taught me so much.
so thank you.
and for what you gave me in that short time, you will remian a part of me. that much i am sure.
your so beautiful.
so intricate.
so mysterious.
so profound.
so refreshing.
never change.
and if you do...
and if you move on..
remember the boy who at one point, actually was part of your life.
good bye.
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| wait before you hang up the phone... |
[24 Apr 2004|11:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
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okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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feeling left out - spilled milk |
] |
alright, so my journal has just gone friends only.
take care.
xoxo
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